Friday, November 03, 2006

Living Well, Dying Well

As you have sensitively gathered, I have spent this past month in the actual saying goodbye to my daddy, rather than in the reporting and reflecting on it. Thank you all for your plentiful love and prayer for me and my family in this journey. It means more to us than we can possibly convey. That “great cloud” so beautifully described in Scripture has encompassed us in the most comforting witness of love, and we are grateful to you for being a part of it.

Now the right time has come to write again.

My father died as he lived: with dignity and grace. Largely incommunicative during his last three weeks, his presence nevertheless centered us, just as it always had. Unable to tell the stories that have so profoundly ordered our lives, our way of living, we told them for him. Unable to express the sweet affection he always had for his wife and four boys, we tried our best to find that voice in his stead, to replicate that quality of love for him and for each other.

I don’t think I have ever known a man whose impulses of hospitality were so instinctive. He drew you to him, told you convincingly that you belonged, that you had a place. Even the Hospice nurses, whose familiarity with dying and all its hard and holy stages is a daily one, were drawn to Dad. Once, having driven in late from Atlanta, I arrived at the Hospice residence around midnight, and opened the door to my daddy’s room to find a young nurse quarter my daddy’s age bending over him, caressing his forehead. She looked up through moist eyes, and said, “He is such a sweet man.” She was not working, it was not her shift. She simply came by to commune with this sweetness.

Indeed, there was a holiness all around Dad in those last days, an invisible field of sacred energy. You just wanted to be there in that sanctuary with him. Was he praying? Was he remembering? Was he listening to someone else we could not hear? Was he here or somewhere else? We entered this space fearfully and wonderfully. I’ve never known a stillness like this. Dad’s breath was so slight and soundless, and the whole world so reduced and clarified and refined.

About a week or so before Dad died we were together in one of these reveries, when all of a sudden the cloud of unknowing parted. Dad looked up at me with those clear blue eyes that had sparkled with delight for so long and with such abundant pleasure, and said, “Hey boy!” just as he had so many countless times before. The recognition only lasted for a second, then receded back into the neurological fog. But it was more than enough.

A father gives a son one last blessing of belonging before the ship sets sail.

11 comments:

Grace said...

Charlie,

what a lovely gift your dad gave you in his last moments, just one more to add to the many. I pray much love and comfort surrounds you and your family.

Love, Grace
p.s My son says, "I am sorry about your dad."

Dr Randi Fass said...

Love to you both from Gus and Bobbi Norman!

Anonymous said...

Hospice workers are angels. Beautiful post.

Marita Paige said...

Beautiful post. Thank you. It has blessed me.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written with the love and respect of a son for his father. My heartfelt condolence. Kathleen

Real Live Preacher said...

Charlie,

I'm sorry for your loss, but enjoyed your beautiful words of tribute.

Gordon

Keith Vaughn said...

Pastor,
As I reflect on Thanksgiving, I am reminded of the many things to be thankful for. Among those are people who have deeply impacted us. Your Dad appears to have been such a person. I know because of the stories and personal moments you have shared in class.

My own Dad, and my Mom, who walked into that light a few years ago after her long fight with cancer ended, have etched my being with their own mark. There are special people God places in our life, who cross our path, and who leave us indelibly marked by their presence.

You are such a person. This school term you have left your mark on students who will never be the same for it. I think you are passing on the mark that your Dad passed to you.

For the marks people leave, and for other things I am thankful this season.

Peace,
Keith Vaughn

Greg Taylor said...

Charlie - Check your email.

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Anonymous said...

Charlie,
It was a wonderful gift you received from your dad. That small moment of recognition will stay with you forever!
We miss you guys,
Jo Wright-Chapman

CFJ said...

Friends,

I cannot thank you enough for all your gifts of word and thought and prayer for me during my journey of grief. These resources are helping me more than you know, and you are all most kind to offer them so generously.

Blessings on you on the road ahead in 2007!

Charlie